into something in my mind

im so lonely.. so sad..a few day without someone who supposed to be around me all the time now gone without trace..

we had a big fight...blood get involve.. and the last word from her is "im boring with you"

thats a blow.. investment are cropped out, compnay bankrupt, total annihilation and supermassive destruction.. it really hurt my feeling, heart, soul and mind..

im facing it with a fake smile around the world..i miss her, but as a gentle man i should respect her notice. Yeah, i got the memo.. this time i dont know if im taking a right step or not, to not nagging her, chasing her like i used to do all the time..

i read and learn that to do a right thing is always fall in the wrong step, at times the wrong step is the right thing to do.. i cry, but not much like often i did.. but im sure im lost far far away down..

today i read something from her own brother in her fb wall...he said that she is submitted in the hospital and stay unconscious for 2 days already..

now this is really worried me up...i dont know what to do, as her parents and family sure already gathered around her by now.. i want to run and go get her, but the thing that stopping me is the respect i should give to her, the space that she need.. i just cant being selfish to dash around to show my face in front of them, especially her..

she said she already boring with me... and thats make me not to summon in front of her while she is in agony and ill.. even my heart want to... but i still holding my promise toward her not to jump in to her family union.. im soo terribly mess...

maybe this is the best time for her, to see that her family is gather around her as she cry to me a day before the last day, she said she mad and miss her mother which always rejected her and obey to her evil father.. im not in position to chose a side, but im sure i can be there to comfort her like i always did, but i think from now on my charm wont work on her anymore.. im just a useless boyfriend.. i cant giv happiness to anyone even how hard i tried.. im too straight, too much act, and too much ground to be standing..

hope by now, at least her father, or maybe her mother start to give more attention to her, save her life and her future.. i know at times the best thing to do for someone we love is leave them, and if they are meant to be with us, they will come back.. as we never know it was important untill we lost em..

but i dont have the guts, the strength like other people did, to dump and leave.. because i dont want she do be leading to a wrong path of life, to the deep of i dont want her to be all alone, because i know how it feel to be so alone..

she might say im not like her, yeah i know she are alone, i always there but she never approve my existant, sometimes i feel like im a burden to her...she dont want to be alone by word she just want her mother to be around her, that is the definition of not being alone in her heart..

but for seek people to ensure i am not alone.. and the different between me and her, she got the charm, she is friendly till every body know her want to be her friend at least..but me.. im just a piece of human that no body cares to listen and to look at times... even i lost alot of friend, new friend, old friend...all gone.. she said im lucky, but i said she is the luckiest girl on earth.. she dont have bother to look, but i need to look and i already look harder for a long time..

maybe there is no one in the world would understand me.. yeah my parents love me.. they care about me much more nowdays, not like how they used to be.. but that is different, that is biologically love..

i get less and lesser message day by one will text me, private message me, comment me, contact me in any way at all.. i dont get the center of attraction.. i hope someone would understand, im hunger to be in social community.. to be human, to have people around, to have love.. like how i always concern to do for people..

now i dont know if she really sick or not, but i have to believe the news i got from her brother is true.. if it is.. please god hear to me once more, please safe her, give her the happiness she seek for, if it need something to sacrifice for it, take anything from me, i trade it all, even if i have to lose her, not to see her again, i will take the contract, just want her to feel the happiness, just want her to have her smile back, her days, and her rationality. She deserve every the best she should like other human did. I dont mind if she want to blame me for all, i would understand, she is not me, given a larger mind to think and brain with soul in the heart. My judgement maybe great but at times it would lost, as part of my imperfect. If you hear me god, please let her live the life she want, she being sad for long time already. Let me know if i can do anything to safe her and bring her the light of heaven. Because this is not what i want for her, i want her to happy and have the smile always, and success in her career and meet a greater man than me, to form a happily family of her own.

i want to see her, maybe for the last time, even from far away, because i know, she is always in my heart, and i will never forget how she makes me happy all the time.. maybe its part of circle of life where at times we had fight, but i never blame you, neither of her at all..

but if i dont have the chance to meet her at all after this.. please god, make my pray and wish come true for her.. and please put me in her mind for lesson to learned, even i will look like the baddest guy on earth. Im helpless.

for my lovely ibu.. i am really really love you, i write this while i cry, while i think im super matured.. with heart of love, i hope this is the right thing to do.. i just want you to be happy.. and this is my living at the movies.. im glad youre starring in this movie of mine. I love you, always and forever, if we have chance to meet, you always owned my lip to kiss.. mwahh..


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