Thursday, April 27, 2017
Where do I begin?
This time I don't want it to be metaphorical, I'm gonna write it straight from my heart. But before you read, please play the song repeating thru your entire session of reading this long post.
Dear to my loyal ghost reader,
I know you been wandering every once a day here to see if I have any response to your cruel and intentionally to hurt me post. Honestly speaking I don't have any comeback. Matter of fact, I take it very hard. If last October your knife stab straight to my heart, this time you make it deep pass thru my heart from the back. And yes I cried tremendously, not in a fictional way. I'm not looking forward to your pity about it. But I just want to let out why I been protecting my feeling by acting that everything is okay and being such an ass during the post-breakup. And I'm not gonna talk about the content of your post. And I will try very best to keep it short and just the things between you and me. All of this is my truest feeling.
I will always be me. No matter how the world falls upon me, I will keep myself for me. You said what I did is hurt like hell? Are you sure I'm the one hurting you, or all this while you the one who been hurting yourself? And you need me to take all the blame and pain? Don't lie to our self, you know me as much as I know you. If whatever you feel now is hell, I am truly really sorry, I never have the intention to hurt your feelings. But it doesn't change the fact that I am still living in the hell of missing you. You probably been thinking all this while I must be living the best time of my life? How more selfish can we ever be to act like we don't know each other feeling well enough?
The wound never heal. Even till now. Every day I have to wake up in the morning and hold my heart to stay strong. I couldn't stop thinking about us each night before I go to sleep. Do you ever wonder why I missed called you every midnight before sleep a few months back? You must've thinking that I purposely to annoy you, but I am not. It's kinda my way to tell you good night and I miss you. But eventually one night I stop doing it. Not because I met somebody new, I stop because I started to letting it go, not you, but those hurting feeling that keeps wanting me to blaming you for all the misery I have to go thru. Yeah, I always know you also have the fair share of sadness from the breakup. Trust me, I know, because I know you.
Some more every time I stop by to your Instagram, it hurts to have the idea planted in my head that you already have moved on with someone new, what's more to received the news from your friend thru a phone call. Handing me the news by calling me "pathetic". It never gets easier. What's more, to have the idea in my head that your new guy provide you a car, and you tag me along to find him a hundred ringgit gadget gift. And you leisurely doing it while the blood still red and the heart still cracked, even the pain still vibrating in between the wound, but I can't just let you see me fully weak with jealousy, what's more, I don't want to miss the chance to actually get to hang out with you. I swallowed all the pain, I can't sleep a night before because so excited and worry at the same time. In pain I miss you, with tears, I remember us. Even hell can't change my good nature of sincerity. I will always be me. And you know that. It will never be easy for me when it comes to the idea of losing you. What's more with the idea of you with someone else.
Nothing is easy even until these days. 3 solid years, every single day and night, can't even be erased with a river of tears. It doesn't go away just like that. That's not how my feelings work. We do have the best of 3 years, didn't we? But all of it comes to be the best-laid plan, for now. You know it, I know it, both of us know it. It falls apart with no one to be blamed on. Not you and not even me. It just the nature of its course, it is a best-laid plan, often go awry, no matter how carefully we planned, something may still go wrong with it, no apparent reason, or because of something inevitable. And that's why I always need to know where your heart belongs. Even if I can only have the little vibe of your feelings towards me, to always know that we always want to be with each other but we can't, it is good enough for me, at least to go thru all the coming days without you by my side anymore.
People expecting me to be strong, selfish and be more than what I get to offer. Even you don't want to let me know how you feel about us, maybe because we have been taught that gesture is a sign of weakness. Or maybe we are truly not special enough for each other. I don't know. For me, you are really special. You are my love. The feelings are impossible to just go away. I just channel those mixed feeling and energy to Bilik Rakaman. That is my priority now. I wanna make my dream come true.
I don't want to fight anymore, don't want to argue anymore, nor I don't want to try to win the breakup. You're my dear one, I admit I can't do all this anymore. I don't have the strength and not willing to trade all the beautiful things about us into resentment or anger. I really appreciate all the time we have spent built together. So no, I will never afford to throw it all away just for the sake of winning an argument. From now on I will only listen to whatever things you have to say about us. I think it's time for us to heal each other. Yes, I am not perfect, and I do realize that. I'm also capable of hurting everybody feelings, even with good intention. Even tho I could, when it comes to you, I really never can do it intentionally. Maybe we already get used to the way you always blocked yourself from seeing it thru me, I really could never blame you for that. But maybe that one time probably my intention is very clear to be mad at you. I am sorry if the "Narcissistic" post hit you hard. I am sorry for the half of whatever awful things I said. Especially the part I may or may not did compare you with her. I just feel mad when you push me away when I being nice to you.
But, on the other half regarding my post, I really meant it. I think I know you better than anyone else. I've seen the best of you. And what you becoming is not healthy and I am worried. I know I sounded pretentiously overconfident, but this is my honest feeling. I can't accept myself if I just let you fall and becoming a narcissistic person. I care for you so much. And I said all those hell awful things because I want you to be the best that you can be. The version of you that I always know is a person that have a happy heart and kindness. You're a lover of the wild and a joker of the heart, who are always smarter than me. Don't go backward with sorrow feelings, keep it strong and move forward. Because 3 years ago, you teach me a lot about how to look forward in life. I owe you that one, so this is how I want to live myself up to that potential you showed me. Sorry if my way always sounded harsh, it's only because I care. You know me if I don't care I already ignore you a long time ago. I always support your cause, as long it is for the good life that you deserve.
And regarding your post, yeah I read it once and it hit me really hard. I cried for days. Matter of fact it leads me to a new trouble, and you truly broke me. I am damaged by it. Totally broken. But now, to think of it. I had it coming. After all, I think I deserve it. And also I think you kinda need it, obviously, you need it. Ever since the breakup you probably have a lot of painfull feelings bottled up, I am sorry for being blind and selfish to not see your fair share of the tragedy. Both of our posts are so childish and immature, I admit it, mine is, as you said, it hurt like hell, I'm pretty sure it did hurt me like hell, but mine hurt you first in a simpler way, and that's the reasons why you posted yours. You really need it as an outlet to let all bad feelings inside you out. Beside me, you truly have nobody to be your punching bag, I spoiled you too much I guess. Haha, but it's okay. No worries now, I have no hard feelings about it. Somehow I gonna used it as a list to improve myself. But like I said, from now on, I want a ceasefire between us, a truce. I can't afford to hurt your feeling anymore, even tho I may or may not be mad at you in future, I just not willing to trade all the good memories just for the sake to hurt your feelings. It's our privacy thing and it is very personal to me. I keep it safe, only for me. Could never delete it. You know me how I like to keep things like a vault of a time machine.
After all, I still looking forward to living up to both of our grand promises. And I can't accomplish it without you not be part of my life, at least as a good friend for now. If only you still want to be my friend, because hell I really need you as a real friend right now. But if you don't want, I would understand. I'm not gonna force you or lead you to it. I just gonna let you find yourself back and live a very good life as how you always desire. But I really hope we can be a very best friend. My prayer and doa will always have your full name in it.
Again, I am sorry for all the things I ever did that hurt your feelings. And I am sorry it didn't work out between us. I will always know how both of us want to have a life together, but for now, it just a best-laid plan. And maybe it is okay. Doesn't mean I will easily forget your smile. Hope you could forgive me.
How abang Jat and kak Suraya get to be together story always inspired me. No hopes, no false necessary, but for the time being, let us take the chance to improve our self and be ready, for whatever in future are coming.
Reserved yourself for someone that deserve k. :)
Hope my short post not so sweaty, emotional and fictional, haha I'm just kidding.
Always be happy okay? :)
Or maybe sushi together some day in future. Haha
Pray the best for my happiness as well k.
p/s: I got a secret and I'm not gonna tell you anytime soon.